I used to tease my mom by saying "ma, Im with child". She didnt think it was funny, she would holler "Mania, dont! That stuff just stresses me out!" and smack me. Brian and I, on the other hand would guff and laugh till tears came out at how good my performance was. The thought of me having a kid was crazy scary. I would do this periodically to her and my mother in law just to practice my oscar worthy best performance act in a comdey/drama... Then one day years later, karma bit me in the ass. For the 1st time in my life, I peed on a stick. Am I really 'with child'? oh.. em.. jee.. the scene was straight out of a movie, I stared at my turned white as an albino self in the mirror for a super long time chanting "ma-ma, mommy, mommmm, muther, mother.. ma ma mew-mew" to myself but instead of laughing and smiling, I needed a brown bag cuz I was faa-reaked out in a bad way. I'm not to be trusted, this kid is gonna get hurt, like, a lot! I remember needing or at least wanting to pass out. I really think babies, they are fun to look at but I cant be alone with one. Somehow I walked, with shaky knees, clutching everything to hold me up down the hall and into the living room where I just collapsed on the couch and tossed the, 1st test I ever passed, that happened to be inside of a stupid stick, to Brian. I cant remember his reaction, neither can he. That day, I went to my Mom's house and waited for her to get home from work. She pulled up the driveway, I ran into the house and semi-hid from her. "Hi, Mania'" she shouted. I replied crackling with total cotton mouth, baring teeth and a dried up white tongue, ".....hi, grandma" and waited for the slap. She just put her hands down on the counter (like when I was clutching crap to walk) teared up, put her hand over her mouth and bounced happily. This time, when I'm not even acting ,she finally believed me and got all happy/sappy about it. WTF?! Brian walked in and she just hugged him and said all the mushy stuff that happy people say. I think I was found face down on the floor shortly afterwards.
blah blah now here is a brief time line of what happened...
1.) peed on a bunch of other random sticks, all positive *crap* - Dr. appt, peed in a cup instead of a stick, stick was put in the cup and yuppers, it's still positive...
2.) grieving because now I cant drink, smoke, trip on acid, run from cops, change cat litter, pop pills, lift cars over my head, snort cocaine and cuss for 9 months. ok... kidding. The 1st two was a bummer and the cussing I still did daily.
3.) Everything with scent, smelled like jerky. flowers, soap, saw dust, toothpaste.
4.) prenatal vitamins, hot diggity damn dawg, I love these things! Skin is so smooth, hair is full of body, bouncy and shiney! Hello, I am a Breck gurl!
5.) pregnant pregnant pregnant. Tell people "Oh, I'm not pregnant" whenever someone asked to touch my stomach. Brian hated it when I did that but it was just too funny to see their reactions to stop.
6.) get too hormonal, get my hair all chopped off and cry, cry, cry because I now look like Rod Blagojevich.
7.) clean house, I didnt nest, that's for bird. I'm a mammal.
8.) pregnant pregnant pregnant, babyshower, awkward times. who are you people and why are you here, bearing gifts? this is my kid not yours. Oh, now you want to be my friend? What, I wasnt good enough for you before? (hormonal still)
9.) baby is too big. It's time to pop this thing. Hell on earth pain, *explosion* welcome to the world Jerrick Keith Pothorski. I like you, i like you a lot! I think i love you. omg this thing has completely devoured my heart leaving it no love for anything or anyone else except for him. look at the perfect human. look, look. i'm never letting him go ever. I am his #1 fan. He loves me too, even with this hair.
Anyhoo, lets fast forward the days in the hospital, past when the nurse totally lifted my PJ, grabbed my boob & shoved it all up in Jerricks grill while my Dad was there. Can we say awkward moment? That shit isn't natural, not in front of your daaad, wtf! FFW when the nurse would do a double take walking past my room and coming back in to tell people to leave because it was crowded like the BMV in our room. Let's move on to when we were able to take Jerrick & leave the hosptial... I remember looking at Brian and asking how can we make it out the doors? I thought we are going to be in soo much trouble leaving with him. He felt the same way, this is like bigger than stealing gold. The nurse tosses our grossly pastel colored belongings in a bag to us and says have a happy life, pushing us out the room. Down the elevelator we're starting to sweat and get nervous, I dont want to steal things... It's just not me. Now out in the HUGE open lobby, I'm waving bye to strangers and old people in pink coats and saying "holding a baby, walking with a baby, bye bye, we're leaving now... with a baby, in my hands. Takin the baby through these doors to the great big outside world... it will be hard to find baby once we leave" no one tackled us, weird.
The drive home will never be forgotten. Brian was driving, what felt to us, like a maniac, 12 mph! I think he was speeding because he couldnt be in the backseat like I was hovering and sheilding over the wrinkled human to protect it from having any strangers looking at him, the sun and all the dirty air that surrounds us and have never noticed it before. A mere 2 hours later (we live 10 minutes away) We tip toed thru the door of our house and still didnt feel safe. Kept staring at the baby then at the door. Do people come and pick him up soon? Do we have to pay rent on him? Can we really just keep this? Then when a visitors would knock on the door and suddenly it was Vietnam all over again. We'd army crawl to the door Brian would hold a grenade up to his mouth ready to pull the pin and toss... "We like baby. The baby stays, go away!!!" Oh it's just my Grandma & Grandpa, come on in. Want anything to drink? I'm glad I didnt stab you with a bayonet.
Ahh such happy memories. I'm so stoked we got to keep baby... he's 10 now and has a little sister (that's a story for another day) who makes his life hell. I'm blessed.