Population Control # 62,211,054

So, is there a reason why we're not adding a good inch to that platform that raises my bread in toasters? Do the toaster folks get some kind of profit from ambulance rides,  burn creams or band-aids? 
Every day!!! Drop your bread into the abyss - push the handle to sink the bread deeper in the abyss - wait for bread to startle you when it humps/thrusts itself up from the abyss - watch it collapse back into the bitch abyss. 
All those people who ended their lives by stabbing their toasters with butter knives. shame. NOw that I think of it... is it a coincidence that I eat that bible bread? I wonder what Ezekiel 4:9 means?
I stand over the crucifying, hot, full of voltage, metal, hell box armed with a butter knife of cold candle wax unsalted butter, waiting to pounce on it like a lion to a gnu, yet settled just enough to remind myself to NOT to stab the toast with a knife because then I'll just die and that sucks for my kids.
Population Control #62,211,054 - along with cast iron pans, candles in jars and those biscuits that pop out of a can  (I know it will pop but I still have a coronary every time it does) 

PS- In case you said "why don't you just buy a toaster OVEN?", under your breath. I shall let you know,  I threw out my toaster oven long ago because my hands are not the size of newborns in which that oven was clearly made for. 

Feral and dumb ass hamsters

One July, when I was a just a pup of a human, my Daddy, in his blue 'hippie' cargo van, and I were on our way to my cousin's (Willy Jr) 1'st birthday party. We stopped at the mall to get him a gift and this is where I met, hamster, aka, feral bastard. There, in a pet store, with flowing locks of blonde hair, shiny black eyes and big ol, stuffed to the brim of dried corn pellets, cheeks. My jaw clenched so tight and my heart nearly burst because it was the most precious thing alive and I was in love. Perhaps hamster was just chewing it's spit moistened pellet food but I prefer to think that it mouthed "i love you, take me home". "I'm totally allowed to have pets at home" I lied. (my Grandparents raised me and they never allowed any animals except for my dog and a deformed goldfish that outlived the other 89 that I once caught in the community pool)

 Back in the van, I sat so proudly knowing my 'life partner' was in this colorful cardboard box. I was so sure that hamster couldn't wait to kiss & love all over me for saving it so I poked my finger in an air hole and wiggled it, as to say "you're welcome, come kiss my finger". My new precious hamster didn’t quite understand my 1 finger, sign language and sunk his long choppers right in my finger. OOOoowww! but I knew hamster was just confused, it thought I was showering him with “welcome home” chew toys.
 Once we arrived to the party, I couldn't wait to carry it around and show it off. I opened up the box, my lockjaw in place, (I have a tendency to clench my jaw shut really tight when I see extremely cute things. This is to refrain from biting them. I would never draw blood but I'm guessing I could bruise em.) I went in to retrieve the cutest animal in the world and this is when I watched it angrily pounce and sink it's chiseled ivories deep in my finger. I remember being so shocked this alluring beautiful creature just attacked me like a wild animal and it obviously hates me. I started screaming/crying in the front seat till my dad 'thwacked' me on my head to calm down. After I was attacked by hamster twice and my dad once, I knew I had a feral bastard of a hamster and a Dad who didnt like crybabies.
 I now hate this ugly, fat, yellow thing, with stupid eyes. My Dad said "set up the cage, it cant stay in the box, it will chew a hole and get loose" Good thinking Daddy because it would probably eat the wires then disable the van and begin to gnaw on us till we were just bones. So in the back of the van, I just lined the cage with bedding. No water, No food, No chew toys too! I opened up the box, stood up, turned the box upside down and dumped the sadistic fur ball out. I secretly enjoyed watching it take a nose dive, screaming, it's silent hamster scream, "I'm gonna diiiiiie" then thump onto the soft cedar chip. It scurried around sniffing mulch in it's new glass prison called home.
 A few hours later during the birthday party a bunch of us return to the van to check on hamster and to my horror, the deceiving hamster, was... dead. A few of us kids are screaming, some ran to get their parents. My Dad immediately began dunking hamster in his cup of beer. The hamster didn't respond. It didn't absorb the liquid like a sponge and regain life. My 1st hamster, roasted to death, in a blue 'hippie' cargo van under the July sun and it was all my fault since I didn't provide water. I had just unintentionally committed my first murder on a small, shaggy, potential murderer.  

R.I.P. you feral bastard.

The next day, I thought my dad felt really bad for me and went and got me a new one because of how berserk the 1st one was to bite me and then die on me. Found out it was only because he already bought all the expensive shit, the fuzzy mammal only costs around 2 bucks. This one bites too! Dammit, another feral!!! I wasn't going to drop him like a bomb into the cage this time. Instead, I just pointed to the box and to the cage and commanded my father to do the deed. He then stood up and dumped the savage beast and it too screamed it's silent hamster scream. 

For the next few days, I would open the lid and quickly fling it's food in the cage as gently as I could trying not to hit it. I always checked it's water and would press my face against the glass in case it couldn't see well to show it that it was ME who was caring for it. One day, I decided it was time to try and hold it again.I nervously scooped it up and was so elated that it didn't bite me! We spun and spun & we danced on air, I was suddenly Snow White and animals were my thing. With my teeth clenched tightly, I squeezed my newly trained and improved life partner in my hands, right next to my face and then it pooped in my hands. Eeeeeeeeww, what a dumb ass as I tossed hamster back into the cage. 

From then on, every time I took it out of the cage it seemed to automatically start dropping it's droppings. Hamster stinks and I hated that the dumb ass kept exuding and crapping on me and I hated cleaning the cage even more. So I did what any other person would do. I would pick it up every so often and run to the bathroom, slam the door and hold Hamster over the toilet and wait. Of course, now it's never pooping... sigh. So, I remembered if I squeeze it till it's eyes kinda bulged,  it would poop. I look at it like I invented cleansing for hamsters before cleansing was cool (this is back in the 80's) but in reality I guess I was just squeezing the shit out of it. All for love. 

I had my clean coloned dumb ass Hamster for awhile before it finally died. It ran away and a mousetrap behind the fridge killed it. 

R.I.P. you dumb ass

I'm recapping this true story as best as I can since I was only 7 or 8 years old but moral of the story is 28 years later, I still am sorry that I ever thought hamsters could be pets.

Maybe I should rethink this animal rights thing...

As much as I love animals and try to be the voice against senseless violence to animals, I totally know why I started eating chicken again... I hate birds. always did. Not only do the unstable, flying birdbrains, ruin Spring with their constant stupid peeps and dive bombing, they aim to shit on or near me. They are all out to get me.

A couple stories that are still fresh in my head.

I once had a roommate who had a mentally challenged parrot. It was mean and  charged and snap at me when I had to feed or change it's nasty shit paper. I would daydream of shoving peanut butter down in it's beak to get it to shut up. "Awk, hello Awk, awk *whistle* Awk" while staring at me with it's mouth open, showing that dehydrated black worm of a tongue, is all it did ALL MORNING/DAY/NIGHT LONG while shuffling and shifting across the perch.

Another time is when we first bought Ozzy, our cairn terrier, we were walking on a huge stretch of open farm land. Anya was on one side and I on the other when a massive screeched & pressure boom in our chest from it's wings, tried to snatch her puppy body away from us. When it failed, it flew way up and circled us over and over again from high in the sky. Anya grabbed Ozzy but within minutes we were being stalked by 4 or 5 more flying carnivores. All of them wanting to snatch our expensive dog for their own lunch.

And now, the latest event happened last Friday at the Pet Expo.

We went thinking there would be tons of farm animals and domestic pets but found out it was more of a expo for pet supplies. There was a small petting zoo so we were able to hold bunnies and pat goats & horses. Then we walked over to see the birds. Big mistake. With my track record of birds I should have  known to stay away.
I followed Anya to look at the dumb red Macaws and an ugly beastly white feathery asshole. The ugly white feathery asshole looks at me and it all happens in slow motion. flap, flap, flap, "AWK, AWK" it flies off it's perch and lands on me, I'm in such shock because I knew this was going to be bad and it goes for my face. I grabbed it and yelled "your bird is on me" to whoever would listen. This fucker is really is trying to bite my face and in defense I'm trying to... kill it. It finally catches a hold of me and bites down HARD on my index finger and wants it for a souvenir. It felt like a giant vice crushing my finger. Feathers & screams and I am squeezing the shit out of this bird with one hand and flailing my other one trying to pull it's face feathers out with my free fingers. Now there is blood that actually is pulsating out. Is it mine? The bird?
Richard Simmons/Bob Ross appears out of no where and is moving his mouth. Am I dreaming? Is he talking to me? The bird? I only hear wings flapping and white noise from the pain, I cant hear what he is saying. I later learn he is the owner, John Leag, "Guy with the asshole Birds" and he finally got the white, now red bellied & beaked monster, off me. I cant even explain how much blood came out of MY finger. The pain was rough for a few days and this is def going to be a scar, since I didn't go to get stitches. One thing that amazes me is after all this happed, I saw that  there were people who were seated watching this! No one helped, I hate them. One was a beast of a woman and she had no left arm, I have to smile because I guess Karma visited her early, didn't she.

Anyhoo,
I will never regret cooking and eating birds for the rest of my life.

i will gladly stomp on this bird and roast it on a stick without any remorse.

click the picture above to look in my new hole.
https://picasaweb.google.com/Urrrma/AssholeAndMyHoleyFinger#

forgive me

i swear to God I am going to go ape shit in a minute...

(you can thank my kid for snapping this fetching picture of myself) this is a face & gesture of someone who is going to stand up and pour coffee over the computer and break the monitor with the mug because she doesn't deserve to have one. If I cant figure out how to use it then just be gone mr. machine. if you are getting 1,999 notices that I updated my post or published something and come back and nothing new is on there forgive me... I am an idiot and know nothing about blogs other than you can read them. I had no clue how they magically appeared I just knew they made me laugh or are really educational but finally figured it out that it's because there are people out there who type it. Anyone can do this, pssh easy stuff...not. I quadruple check the spelling before I publish it but yet when I open to view my blog the little men inside my computer scrambled letters and remove commas and periods so I have to re edit and publish. Then I get paranoid that those who secretly or publicly follow this are getting notifications that "Mania, made changes to a post", Mania, made changes to a picture on her blog", "Mania, published a new post", "omg, i cant believe it, Mania is typing a new post better check back in tomorrow when she is done talking about herself because I am going to mess up all her spelling and drive her up the wall". Remember big idiot here. I tried to do this cool listing of some black and white pictures but it only showed a half of one when there should be 10. Threw in the towel and and gave up, instead I just glued 3 smooth dapper looking pictures of myself to the monitor and I hope it shows up on your end so you can ogle over my handsomeness.