I have absolutely no business talking sometimes... I never settle down long enough to filter my thoughts before dumb 'word vomit' spews out of my mouth. This can catch people off guard and cause embarrassing moments. Some funny, some not so funny. I've violated countless Jehovah vouching door knockers, sales people, cable guys, creepy men who stare, women who are NOT pregnant but really, really, really look pregnant, and today while buying batteries I was reminded of the creepy Cord Camera guy that I ruined years ago...
Long ago, my 1st point and shoot digital cameras was right when digital cameras were first coming out. It was always so confusing or shutting off right in the middle of shots. Started really pissing me off because I had to keep replacing the batteries after an hour or two. It was getting to be more expensive than a film camera so I took it to Cord to have them look at it. I'm in a bad mood, in a big hurry and the guy at the counter is greasy and looks extremely stupefied from codeine, morphine, or maybe too much of the saucy sauce? I don't know, he was on something. I'm already so irritated, pretty much bouncing in place and the slug is looking unconscious now. Filled out a stupid form with name and address, kind of camera blah, blah... and then he doesn't even look up at me and said "you prob*mumble*babaly need shum*mumble* Lithium, *mumble*". ... ... Now, if you know me, I'm pretty quick to react (hence the whole, damn I wish I thought twice before spewing words out like I'm in an underground rap battle) my response went something like "WHAAAAT did you just say to me, you, no having heart rate, slow, sloppy, shit!? I NEED LITHIUM?!? IIIIII NEED LITHIUM?" Few more insults, perhaps some beat-boxing and your momma cracks were thrown in, I dunno, all a blur... total big loud scene. Then I'm informed that lithium is also a battery that digital cameras need for them to power on longer. Oh.. so it's not just liquid mind altering drugs for people with crazy mania or bi polar disorders. Hmph, learn something new every day. Now that digital cameras have completely boomed so have lithium batteries. They are everywhere now a days so I'm always reminded of how much of an ass I am. Still doesn’t stop my mouth though.
Weddings, funeral, or a fancy place, are terrible. I always look really awkward for a couple of reasons. One, because I am wearing makeup and a dress. Two, because I am trying my best to not to heave out words but then I start thinking things like, I bet I look like a whore wearing all this makeup.... I really shouldn't say nothing out loud now...oy, did I rub my eyes? I cant rub my eyes or mascara will get all over my face... omg behave Mania'... Crap! forgot to cross my legs, I think I just flashed everyone... stop drinking so much beer... are my lips moving when I'm thinking all this?... great, everyone can read my lips... This is their day, not mine... I should say something... No, It will just come out as rambling shouts... settle... just shh, they will get my card, I said it all in the card.
See! I can totally relate to those who have tourrette syndrome. Quotes, catch phrases, or a really big word are a no no too on my end... I'm usually reminded how wrong I am or how bad I mispronounced it. I have no sense of proverbs! I'm like the old bartender guy in Boondock Saints."Why don't you make like a tree and get the hell outta here. Sadly, I get him, he's on my level... he's my people ;)