Exposing myself to the pain of being hurt, nervous and scared doesn't mean I am weak, it means I'm human. We do we shy away from fully expressing our emotions to the general public? Why? Because this day and age to get any kind of help or relief you have to be well off or have loaded parents, carry some kind of ganky shady insurance and be available to vent when the therapist is in or if you tell the wrong person (some physician) you're diagnosed with a disorder, prescribed drugs and asked to wait a couple weeks to feel better. Where's the love, hugs, friends? They're all avoiding you because you're too raw, real and emotional I suppose? Where's the immediate relief that you need at that moment because the pain is just too great to go on any longer? It sure is getting harder and harder to heal for those who just want to have a simple life that doesn't involve bitch ass steps to take, waiting list & the fucking government in my business. I'm not even going to fall for the it's going to be okay, it's not going to be okay and it's not going to be okay because I refuse to succumb to the rules that this red white and blue decided for me. Closing your eyes and breathing deep belly breaths, screaming on the top of your lungs, crying or wailing and allowing self pity, writing in a journal, lying on your back staring at the clouds and trying to see beyond them are all ways we have healed in the past. My favorite is writing in a journal & I'm usually just talking to myself but this time I do not want to write privately in my journal. I want this one to be out there. Like I said earlier, I am human so don't judge me. Actually... go ahead and judge me because right now... I don't care.
Journal entry 1
Well, before I even begin on this, I'm hurt to the core, rant, I gotta say the funny thing is tonight I may get some decent sleep and not need to hurt my soul any longer. Unfortunately I haven't slept more than 5 hours in the last 3 days due to overwhelming stress and a pinched spine/neck nerves so I suppose I'm a little manic this morning. Have to get it out before my family wakes up because they do not deserve to know how hurt I am. They're my rock right now. I'm hurt to the core at how I thought we made a bigger impact in our circle of friends. Apparently not, lolol. This is EXACTLY why I try to stay invisible on birthdays every year, and avoid parties because while this time I was truly craving to read loving words, gifts and farewells from my friends to cheer me up & heal my heart as we spit our family up and leave home only to not get them from my nearest and dearest has TRULY ripped a hole in my heart. I will never again hold a party for myself for the rest of my life since my worse fear came true. Aside from a couple of friends helping with food, my mother, husband and I worked so hard & I was appalled at only receiving 4 people's farewell wishes. 4. 4 people out of everyone thought of us during our farewell party to wish us well... I'm not sure where we went wrong, we never asked for much, maybe I'm not a real friend and I will probably analyze myself to no end over this but I guess now we know, that the kids who I put SO HIGH on a pedestal and the hard work I have done with my community has little avail has truly NOT meant much at all. I'm still going to miss everyone, it's what I do and while I am happy that people showed up and visited, I'm going to cherish those 4 well wishes with every fiber in my being because it's all I have right now. Perhaps it's the only child in me that wishes you loved me more, I'm only human. Columbus, you slay me... in more ways than one.
Ps- life is too short, what is said is said what is done has been done. I want this put behind me, I want to heal so I feel putting it out there will possibly help me heal. I am in no way shape or form asking to be un-dumped to those of you who have dumped me for no reason, nor am I asking for well wishes after the farewell party. I'm just simply trying to heal to be a better & healthier mother to my humans.
